Ever wonder why Rudolph’s nose was so red and bright in the first place? Is it natural or did Santa just scotch tape a red light bulb to his nose? Seems like that would be something that people would want to know, so I’ve decided to take it upon myself to find out. I went on a mission to the North Pole, spoke to a few elves, friends, and Santa about Rudolph, and was quite disturbed over what I found out. First things first, I want to dispel the rumour that Rudolph is the illegitimate son of Ronald Mc Donald, that is simply NOT true, nor does he have allergies. Nope, the reason why Rudolph’s nose is so bright is a result of his hard partying cocaine fuelled lifestyle. Seems it all started when, with the help of the TV show Cheaters and their investigative services, Rudolph caught his (now ex) girlfriend Dancer with his (now ex) best friend Donner (or as Dancer was calling him in the midst of some beast-on-beast action, "King Don"). Since then Rudolph has been slugging by a 40 ouncer of Jack Daniels any chance he can get.

As his drinking increased Rudolph began to display such drunken antics like trying to pick fights with the elves while at the same time pissing himself before finally passing out in his own vomit, or the time Rudolph got everyone kicked out at the pub for flashing the other patrons. Soon the other reindeer were laughing and calling poor Rudolph names. Nobody wanted to hang out with Rudolph anymore as he became nothing more then a fall down drunk and they soon stopped inviting him out to their reindeer games. Rudolph became an outcast, living month to month on disability checks.

Santa, the elves and the other reindeer were considering sending Rudolph to rehab, but when they found out that his alcoholism-induced red nose could bright up the sky on those dark winter nights they selfishly vetoed the idea and by exploiting his alcoholism used him to lead their sleigh. Going out at night proved to be the best choice as Santa didn’t want an accident or a DUI for having a drunk steer his sleigh, and lucky for him they’ve only had a few accidents which were promptly blamed on neighbouring kids. But as no one has ever been permanently hurt, Rudolph remains the driver to this day and is also invited to play in reindeer games again. Sweet, eh?

After my last interview wrapped up, I thanked old St. Nick for his hospitality, requested a pony for Christmas and went on my way, not sure if I should report Santa and Rudolph’s driving under the influence to MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving), and put a stop to this behaviour. But worried that ratting Santa out might put a halt to this years presents I’ve decided against the idea.

Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer you’ll go drown in Listerine